Yayy! :D

My sister got engaged today!! They went out, and we got a call at about 10! The ring is so pretty! Daww. Such a cute day. :D

Ouch.

Either late September or early October, I asked if he really liked me, or if he only talked to me because it's fun to flirt. He said he thought I was awesome, and epic, and he actually liked me. But he said that there were other girls he flirted with. He then said, that he'd stop flirting with them, “because they might get upset when they found out he had a girl in Washington.” I said I'd be really happy if I was the only one he payed that kind of attention to. So in early November, maybe in the middle of it, he says he's going to shave. (He was doing No Shave November.) and he said that there might be some people at his work who might be upset. (He works in a fast food place, so I thought it was funny that anybody would be mad if he actually shaved.) He said there were some girls at his work who had told him not to shave. (One of the girls being his female manager.) Months after he said he'd quit, he's still flirting. So I'm kind of pissed, so I said, “Yep! Gotta keep the ladies happy.” and it was silent until about 15 minutes later, I changed the subject. This was pretty early on still, so I decided to give him another chance. And after time went on, and we'd talked for hours everyday, I thought things were more serious. So I figure he's quit flirting, and I'm all he needs. I mean, he's all I need. I don't ever flirt with other guys. I've turned down guys that said they'd do anything for me, and that they loved me, just because I already loved my guy. I made myself clear, that I couldn't share my man with anybody, and that he had to quit flirting if he and I were going anywhere. He says he knows, and he understands, so I'm happy, and decide that things are good again. Big mistake. In late December, he follows some slut on the site we actually met on. I guess it was because she followed him first, but if I was all he needed, and he wasn't flirting with anybody else, why would he feel the need to follow some other girl? Now, of course, this girl is beautiful. And she's more his type physically than I am. I've always known that I wasn't the prettiest, but I thought he'd be able to appreciate my personality. It turns out, I'm just not good enough for him.

Early January, I have to tell him that he and I can only be friends, due to the fact that I'm forbidden to date somebody who isn't of my religion. He says that's fine. But just because my brain knows what's right, doesn't mean my heart won't want the opposite. So I still flirt with him a little like usual, and I tell him that I miss him. He says he misses me too. So things go back to how they were, except we're not talking half as much as we used to. So now in February, I've realized that he barely ever talks to me. I'm the one who starts the conversations, and I'm the only one who tries to keep the conversation going. So I tell him this. And I tell him that he makes me feel like I'm ugly, and worthless, and like I'm not good enough for him. He says I shouldn't put myself down. (Totally missing the point. That I don't feel that way just because, but it's because of his actions that I feel so terribly.) And he says he's sorry for not being very talkative lately. So for the rest of the night, we're talking and it's pretty much like old times. The next morning, it's the same old routine. I'm starting the conversation, and he's answering with just one syllable words, or maybe just an “lol”. So of course I go back to feeling terrible, but I don't want to bring it up again. A few weeks later, (just last night) we're actually having a nice conversation, but then all of a sudden, he starts in with his one syllable crap. So I ask if I should leave him alone and let him play his video game. He says he wants to talk to me. I say that he's just so distracted. He says he likes distractions. So I say that when he gets distracted, he answers with one word, or maybe a smiley face if I'm lucky, and that I end up just having a conversation with myself...His response: “My b 0.0 Well, ttyl.” .......He actually picked video games, over me. He picked something that isn't real, something that isn't helping him improve his life, something that isn't even alive, over a living breathing person. Let alone the fact that I'm supposed to be one of the most important people in his life. So today, later in the evening, I hear from him. The usual exchange of what's up, and nothin much, you? and all of that. So the conversation dies. I still want to talk to him, so I message him with some random couple of sentences, trying to get some kind of response, and he replies with, “Well, I hate to cut this short, but I'm headed to bed. So I'll ttyl.” It's only 11:30, and he usually doesn't go to bed until about 1:30. So assuming he has to work early, I say bye. An hour later, Skype shows that he's still online. So he lied about going to bed, because he didn't want to talk to me. I wouldn't have minded if he had just said he was busy. But here I am, thinking about everything we've gone through over the last year, and how much time and effort I've put into this, and how little he's really put in. I'm just wondering how many times I'm supposed to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Still confused I guess

Okay! So big things have happened!

Yesterday, I got a text, saying he still wants to be friends. He's worried though, because he still likes me, and he doesn't want this to happen again. But we're friends again I think. =] It's really weird and awkward though, because we have to back the hell off.....Once you've known someone, you can't un-know them. So pretending like I don't still have feelings for him is hard....I still feel like he's mad at me though. He hasn't talked much at all, so I can't really tell...He's hard to read...I hope everything's okay now.

It really pissed me off, that the only one who seemed to care about how I was feeling, was my older sister. She came and gave me a hug when she saw me crying, and she wasn't judgemental. When I told my mom, she just had this attitude. She basically said, “I told you so!”. I'm sure she's just happy she got her way.

My other sister was just judging me, because she hates the guy I like. And my friends, weren't very helpful...They tried, but all Dustin could manage to say was, “I wish you and me were more than friends....” and my other friend just started talking about Twilight....I don't even know, it was something about how Edward was wrong for Bella, but she loved him, but then Jacob loved her too, so even though he only wants to help her, he tells her things she doesn't really want to hear.....I don't even know how that applies.

She also keeps trying to tell me about how her boyfriend is becoming a Christian so he can be with her. I'm happy for her. But then she starts telling me to pray about my situation. I told her I haven't been praying lately, or reading my Bible. I guess right now, I'm kind of mad, because my mom said that God was the one who didn't want me to be with Aaron. Me and God used to be closer, but I feel like He's withdrawn his presence from me, and I feel like I'm pursuing Him for nothing. But mostly, it's because I've personally never understood the Bible. I know that I should pray, and read my bible every day, but I can never get into it. When I pray, I feel like I'm talking to air, and when I read the bible, sometimes I undetstand some things, but I can't ever really apply it to my life. I've always heard about how much God loves us, and how merciful and wonderful He is, and I believe it. I've just never really been excited about it. I know without a doubt He's there, it's just sometimes I can't make myself care.....I know, I must sound terrible, but it's how I feel...

I started writing this feeling somewhat positve, and now I just feel like I want to kill someone. I'm pissed, and my thoughts aren't organized, so this was probably just a waste of time. Aaron talks to me, but I don't think it's because he wants to, and everybody else is either trying to tell me how to run my life, or just being really rude....I don't know, I'm just really confused still....I don't know where I stand. I wish somebody could tell me what he's thinking, and what's going on...I might just need to write again later...

I just don't know

I hate to start this off on a bad note, but that's exactly what I'm going to do. To tell you the truth, that's why I started this. Because it helps when I tell people how I feel. The only person I feel comfortable actually telling everything to, is not able to listen at the moment. So for now, here I am.

So I've liked this guy for about a year now. But yesterday, I had to tell him we could only be friends. I've heard the first time you get your heart broken is the worst. That's a lie. Second time is much worse....

I literally haven't stopped crying since I told him yesterday afternoon. I don't like crying. I've tried to stop, but I can't. It comes in waves. One second, I think I'm fine. The next, I'm trying not to have a break down. Last night, I dreamt that he sent me a message online. I needed to hear from him, but every time I tried to check the message, the page wouldn't load. It probably sounds stupid, but it was awful....I woke up, and my eyes were almost swollen shut from how much I've been crying. My head aches from it, too.

I don't think he wants to talk to me anymore. I can't blame him. All of this is because of me. But, being one of the most selfish people to ever exist, I want him to talk to me...When I talk to him, is the only time I feel any better. I want to know how he's doing, what he's feeling, and I want to talk to him like we used to...But then I realized, I have no right to hear about how he's doing, or what he's feeling. It's my fault if he's upset at all....I texted him earlier today, asking if he had changed his mind about still wanting to be friends. He said he didn't know. So I decided it would be best if I backed off, and just gave him some time. I miss him so much.

I wish things could just go back to how they used to be.