Still confused I guess

Okay! So big things have happened!

Yesterday, I got a text, saying he still wants to be friends. He's worried though, because he still likes me, and he doesn't want this to happen again. But we're friends again I think. =] It's really weird and awkward though, because we have to back the hell off.....Once you've known someone, you can't un-know them. So pretending like I don't still have feelings for him is hard....I still feel like he's mad at me though. He hasn't talked much at all, so I can't really tell...He's hard to read...I hope everything's okay now.

It really pissed me off, that the only one who seemed to care about how I was feeling, was my older sister. She came and gave me a hug when she saw me crying, and she wasn't judgemental. When I told my mom, she just had this attitude. She basically said, “I told you so!”. I'm sure she's just happy she got her way.

My other sister was just judging me, because she hates the guy I like. And my friends, weren't very helpful...They tried, but all Dustin could manage to say was, “I wish you and me were more than friends....” and my other friend just started talking about Twilight....I don't even know, it was something about how Edward was wrong for Bella, but she loved him, but then Jacob loved her too, so even though he only wants to help her, he tells her things she doesn't really want to hear.....I don't even know how that applies.

She also keeps trying to tell me about how her boyfriend is becoming a Christian so he can be with her. I'm happy for her. But then she starts telling me to pray about my situation. I told her I haven't been praying lately, or reading my Bible. I guess right now, I'm kind of mad, because my mom said that God was the one who didn't want me to be with Aaron. Me and God used to be closer, but I feel like He's withdrawn his presence from me, and I feel like I'm pursuing Him for nothing. But mostly, it's because I've personally never understood the Bible. I know that I should pray, and read my bible every day, but I can never get into it. When I pray, I feel like I'm talking to air, and when I read the bible, sometimes I undetstand some things, but I can't ever really apply it to my life. I've always heard about how much God loves us, and how merciful and wonderful He is, and I believe it. I've just never really been excited about it. I know without a doubt He's there, it's just sometimes I can't make myself care.....I know, I must sound terrible, but it's how I feel...

I started writing this feeling somewhat positve, and now I just feel like I want to kill someone. I'm pissed, and my thoughts aren't organized, so this was probably just a waste of time. Aaron talks to me, but I don't think it's because he wants to, and everybody else is either trying to tell me how to run my life, or just being really rude....I don't know, I'm just really confused still....I don't know where I stand. I wish somebody could tell me what he's thinking, and what's going on...I might just need to write again later...

I just don't know

I hate to start this off on a bad note, but that's exactly what I'm going to do. To tell you the truth, that's why I started this. Because it helps when I tell people how I feel. The only person I feel comfortable actually telling everything to, is not able to listen at the moment. So for now, here I am.

So I've liked this guy for about a year now. But yesterday, I had to tell him we could only be friends. I've heard the first time you get your heart broken is the worst. That's a lie. Second time is much worse....

I literally haven't stopped crying since I told him yesterday afternoon. I don't like crying. I've tried to stop, but I can't. It comes in waves. One second, I think I'm fine. The next, I'm trying not to have a break down. Last night, I dreamt that he sent me a message online. I needed to hear from him, but every time I tried to check the message, the page wouldn't load. It probably sounds stupid, but it was awful....I woke up, and my eyes were almost swollen shut from how much I've been crying. My head aches from it, too.

I don't think he wants to talk to me anymore. I can't blame him. All of this is because of me. But, being one of the most selfish people to ever exist, I want him to talk to me...When I talk to him, is the only time I feel any better. I want to know how he's doing, what he's feeling, and I want to talk to him like we used to...But then I realized, I have no right to hear about how he's doing, or what he's feeling. It's my fault if he's upset at all....I texted him earlier today, asking if he had changed his mind about still wanting to be friends. He said he didn't know. So I decided it would be best if I backed off, and just gave him some time. I miss him so much.

I wish things could just go back to how they used to be.