I just don't know

I hate to start this off on a bad note, but that's exactly what I'm going to do. To tell you the truth, that's why I started this. Because it helps when I tell people how I feel. The only person I feel comfortable actually telling everything to, is not able to listen at the moment. So for now, here I am.

So I've liked this guy for about a year now. But yesterday, I had to tell him we could only be friends. I've heard the first time you get your heart broken is the worst. That's a lie. Second time is much worse....

I literally haven't stopped crying since I told him yesterday afternoon. I don't like crying. I've tried to stop, but I can't. It comes in waves. One second, I think I'm fine. The next, I'm trying not to have a break down. Last night, I dreamt that he sent me a message online. I needed to hear from him, but every time I tried to check the message, the page wouldn't load. It probably sounds stupid, but it was awful....I woke up, and my eyes were almost swollen shut from how much I've been crying. My head aches from it, too.

I don't think he wants to talk to me anymore. I can't blame him. All of this is because of me. But, being one of the most selfish people to ever exist, I want him to talk to me...When I talk to him, is the only time I feel any better. I want to know how he's doing, what he's feeling, and I want to talk to him like we used to...But then I realized, I have no right to hear about how he's doing, or what he's feeling. It's my fault if he's upset at all....I texted him earlier today, asking if he had changed his mind about still wanting to be friends. He said he didn't know. So I decided it would be best if I backed off, and just gave him some time. I miss him so much.

I wish things could just go back to how they used to be.